For some reason, my Facebook feed is currently full of Keto, Carnivore, and Vegan ads. Name a regime, it's popping up between cat memes, my aunt's recipe for refrigerator pickles, and Bridgerton promos.
...and not keto!
1.) Carnivorically speaking, there's something called a Beef and Butter Fast. Really. This is a thing.
2.) Vegan-wise, you evidently can't live without spirulina, pea milk, and jack fruit. Of these 3 things, only 2 are green (quiz time!).
3.) And if Keto hands you kale, well...juice it, massage it with coconut oil, or better yet, put it in your Keto Brownies. Evidently it's just plain YUMMO (as Rachel The Ray would proclaim)(if she were Keto)(but she's not, she has a "carb face". That's a thing.)
What price Beauty.
I remain confused by most of it. "Macros" of fat, carbs and proteins (and don't forget the collagen!) are numbered/debated/tweaked/slashed, all championing glowing good health, miraculous weight loss, and living til you're 120 (cue the Crepe Erase)!
Me? Coffee, croissants and pate, if you please. And a dry red. I think that's the "Pretend You're French" diet. You get your exercise on this regime by stiletto stalking in pencil skirts, sitting at cafes with your legs crossed (arms akimbo!), and tilting your head just so, as if to insinuate aloof curiosity. Guaranteed to bring about a 5-8 lb. loss of over-animated American Vulgar. THAT'S for me! (Been on it for years. Nothing yet. Don't mind waiting/weighting it out.)
And speaking of Beauty (huh? see above, you ninny), this Sunday's show is going to be a real beaut. I'm not kidding. It's going to win the Miss America Crown, the Miss Universe Porsche, and the Miss Milky Way Milky Way WITHOUT one damn morsel of beef or butter or questionable milk. Because it's The Beautiful Edition of 2 On The Aisle. Yup, lotsa songs with Beautiful in their titles, and Beauty in their souls. (Plus some Pretties and Lovelies and 1 Gorgeous, for good measure.)
So whatever your regime or macros or aKIMbos, join me and we'll Keto the hell out of 2 hours...of Broadway At Its Best. (Hold the kale.)
And I Was Beautiful (Angela Lansbury, Dear World)
Oh, What A Beautiful Morning (Gordon MacRae, Oklahoma!)
Bless Your Beautiful Hide (Howard Keel, Seven Brides For Seven Brothers)
We Make A Beautiful Pair (Donna Theodore, Penelope Milford, Shenandoah)
Beautiful (Jessie Mueller, Beautiful: The Carol King Musical)
Do I Love You Because You're Beautiful (Jon Cypher, Julie Andrews, Cinderella)
Big, Blonde And Beautiful (Mary Bond Davis, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Harvey Fierstein, Hairspray)
Hello Twelve, Hello Thirteen, Hello Love (Company, A Chorus Line)
Nothing (Priscilla Lopez, A Chorus Line)
The Music And The Mirror (Donna McKechnie, A Chorus Line)
Beautiful Girl (Jimmy Thompson, Ensemble, Singin' In The Rain)
The Most Beautiful Girl (Jimmy Durante, Jumbo)
By The Beautiful Sea (Ensemble, Some Like It Hot)
Beautiful Candy (Anna Maria Alberghetti, Jerry Orbach, Pierre Olaf, Carnival)
His Love Makes Me Beautiful (John Lankston, Barbra Streisand, Funny Girl)
I'm Alive (Lilli Cooper, Reg Rogers, John Behlmann, Ensemble, Tootsie)
Overture (Instrumental, Tootsie)
Unstoppable (Santino Fontana, Lilli Cooper, Tootsie)
What's Gonna Happen (Sarah Stiles, Tootsie)
Lovely (Zero Mostel, Jack Gilford, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum)
On How To Be Lovely (Audrey Hepburn, Kay Thompson, Funny Face)
If A Girl Isn't Pretty (Jean Stapleton, Kay Medford, Funny Girl)
Gorgeous (Barbara Harris, The Apple Tree)
Tell A Handsome Stranger (Ensemble, Little Mary Sunshine)
You Must Meet My Wife (Len Cariou, Glynis John, A Little Night Music)
Beautiful (Bernadette Peters, Mandy Patinkin, Sunday In The Park With George)
Pretty Women (Len Cariou, Edmund Lyndeck, Sweeney Todd)
There Is No Other Way (Soon-Tek Oh, Ensemble, Pacific Overtures)
A Little More Mascara (George Hearn, La Cage Aux Folles)
Ribbons Down My Back (Eileen Brennan, Hello Dolly!)
Each Tomorrow Morning (Angela Lansbury, Dear World)
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